Reflection Time | 5 things I learned in 2018
Every situation does not need my reaction.
This year has been one with so many tough situations. Having unfortunate conflicts with family, friends, and within my relationship, I wanted to lock myself away from the World and avoid the cloud of negativity that hovered over me. It seemed no matter what I did, things continued to turn out for the worse. But as I look back at it all, I try not to stress myself on how I could’ve avoid the situations all together. Instead, I look at it and ask “What could I have done differently?” that could’ve changed the outcome. Now let’s be clear on one thing: You CANNOT stop something from happening. Most people, and I definitely fit into this category, beat their selves up for not finding a way to stop something from occurring. You have to understand, everything has to take it’s course. No matter what you try to do, it was bound to happen. The only thing you can really control is how you react when that situation arises. That is the one thing that can change the end result. Now, I’m not going to sit here and set the blame on one party or the next. But when it came to me, the way I reacted was not benefiting anyone, and myself most of all. This was the time where I learned that sometimes, I don’t have to do or say anything. That some fights aren’t meant to be fought. If I would’ve walked away. If I would’ve stayed in bed. If I would’ve spoken up in the beginning, instead of waiting after the anger built up, then just maybe, things would have turned out differently. Sometimes, the only reaction needed is no reaction at all.
Life moves on, I need too as well.
Do not live in your pain! Don’t you get tired of being hurt all the time? I know you look at the other parties who have played a part in your hurt and thought, “how are they able to move past it?” The answer is, to do simply that, move past it! I have the tendency to sit and wallow in my own self-pity. I’ll shut myself out from the World, barely eat any meals, and sleep alllllll day. Doing this, did not help me at all, and it won’t help you either. Not to mention, it isn’t healthy. This does nothing but have you continuously live in what ever moment that put you in that funk in the first place. And I was okay staying there because I didn’t see nothing else. I only saw that pain and that hurt. After so many talks with my parents and months of being stubborn, I became ready to let it go. I realized that it wasn’t the end of the World, even though it felt as so. Life goes on, and with it, the people around you. The thing I wasn’t doing, was understanding that. I wasn’t understanding that once I got myself out of that head space, that things will finally get better for me. And they did get better. And it will for you too, you just have to believe so! So don’t hold on to whatever it is that is causing you to sit in depression or stopping you from growing. Talk to someone, hang out with friends, find something new to do. Whatever it is that can help clear your mind, do it! I know times like that, it’s too much to ask to put a smile on your face and be happy. So for now, just work on being okay!
I can’t be afraid to do things
Fear was such a huge thing I centered on this year. And I mean fear in every aspect you can think of. Fear of moving away, fear of starting over, fear of ending friendships, fear of being in a relationship, fear in just living a normal life. I became plain old scared. The scarier I became, the more I stunted my ability to grow and prosper. Being afraid stops you from doing soooo much. If you’re afraid of flying, you will never have the experience of seeing what it’s like to be among the clouds. If you’re afraid to eat new foods, you will be stuck eating from the same menu for the rest of your life. If you’re afraid to attend that event, you may miss out on meeting someone special. Fear does nothing but cheat you out of happiness and new adventures!
“I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.” - Rosa Parks
I can never be able to make decisions when I’m not sure if it’ll work out or not. Which had to do a lot with my fear of failing. Doing that made me realize that I was stopping myself from even trying. I wasn’t allowing myself the chance at failure, I wasn’t allowing myself a chance at succeeding either. During this time, so many different opportunities came and left, as I laid under my covers letting my fear consume me. But the moment I decided that I wasn’t going to live like that anymore, I became less afraid. I’ve done so many things these last few months of the year, that I would never imagined me doing. And I am truly happy that I pushed myself past my fears to be able to get them done. Fear is something normal that we all experience, but there is a difference between those who let it win and those who fight back!
It’s okay to put myself first.
I’ve been faced with sooo many different challenges this year, where I felt torn between making peace with others and making peace with myself. Which of course, I’ve ended up doing neither. I was at a constant battle with everyone around me, a battle that could’ve easily been avoided if I had just thought of me. Most of the time, I stayed in that space because I felt like I had something to prove. To prove that they were in the wrong, to make people see how they were doing the hurting, but the only person who was truly hurting me was myself. I let myself continue to be in that constant cycle of arguments. At that point, I realized it was time to let go of my pride, let go of the notion that I can change people, and just let them go. And the moment I did, was the moment I finally decided to put myself first. I’ve ended relationships with family, lovers, and friends because they were no longer fueling me with happiness, love, or trust. I had to learn to stand up for myself, and that doesn’t have to be a verbal confrontation, it could be a simple “goodbye, this isn’t working for me anymore.” Making those decisions, at the time, felt like the hardest thing to do, but I am glad that I finally got the guts to do so. You don’t have to fight to keep someone in your life, you have to fight to keep yourself happy. And whatever steps I needed to do so, were necessary to get there. Sometimes your loved ones can stop you from getting things done for yourself, and it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Maybe you were loving them too much where you wasn’t leaving any love left for you, or helping someone with their dreams that you forget about yours. Or agreeing to help someone when you don’t even have the means to help yourself. Sometimes you can be a blessing to others, and those blessings can hinder your own. At a certain point, you have to have a conversation with your loved ones and yourself, and say “Hey, I love you, but right now, I need to be about me.” They can either accept and understand it or disagree and you shouldn’t feel bad for it, at all. As long as you’re doing what you need to for you, everyone will be okay.
I actually have to work.
The biggest thing I learned this year, is that you actually have to get off your ass and do some work. You CANNOT be lazy and think that things are going to fall into your lap. You have to get up and be active, be on the move. For a few months, all I did was talk about what I wanted to do, and talk about what was going to happen. Then I’ll spend days on making plans, and goals, and mapping out the steps I needed to take to get the things I wanted. But it all meant nothing because I was putting no action behind my words. Planning is useless if you’re just sitting around. I remember how I used to tell my friends and family about launching my blog, and how weeks and weeks at a time would go by and they would ask me how it was coming along. It always made me feel like I wasn’t on my shit and I was just talking out my ass because I had made no progress whatsoever. My blog was still in the same place as it was when I was telling them all about it, in my head. At a certain point, I got fed up with myself. I don’t know about all of you, but I curse myself out.. a lot! And that’s what I did. I had to parent myself and push myself to go harder each and everyday. “Get up Andrianna. Start researching Andrianna. You can watch that another time Andrianna. You’re napping too much Andrianna. Doooo something Andrianna! Damn.” This was me, for about two months, can’t lie. But it was so necessary. In no time, I found myself busier than ever. Working at a place I love, writing and painting, spending more time doing the things that I love with the people I love. Rebuilding relationships with family and friends, and finding my own woman hood. All the work I’ve done in these past few months, has shown just what I am truly capable of when I put my mind to it and get to moving. The place I am at now is so far from the place I was a year ago. And to look back it, I am so grateful for everything. For every blessing that has came my way, the good and the bad. It has made me stronger and more independent upon myself and knowledgeable of what it takes to make me happy and not just content with my life. Every day I wake up and feel good because of these 5 lessons. And I cannot wait to put these into 2019 and see what it has in store for me. I am ready honey!
Happy twenty nine-queen
This year is ours!