The Dating List
Valentines is right around the corner. Actually, it’s here! And it got me thinking about what makes a perfect Valentines.
My celeb crush is LeBron James
- Jermeka J
Valentines isn’t made special by the roses and teddy bears, chocolates and wine, or candlelight dinners in fancy places. Although all that shit is lovely, not trying to stop my blessings. But it should be about the person behind the romantic gestures that makes that a day to truly feel special.
When wanting the best Valentine, you have to have the best Valentine date. And not the cliche picture perfect of what social media claims as “couple goals” worthy. But the best date for you!
But how do you find such a date? Well I’m glad you ask!
Have you ever made a list? Like you know, THE list. The list that has all the qualities that you want and need in a partner, in a relationship. Have you even thought about it? Maybe it’s time you should if you constantly find yourself in relationships that don’t suite you.
I definitely think that it’s important to have the same religious beliefs as the person that you’re dating. I never knew how important that was until I met someone who was the complete opposite. I also really value education and continuing to learn about different things, and sharing that knowledge with my partner as well.
-Jakalah B
We are so quick to meet someone, swear they’re perfect, fall in love, and expect a forever to happen just off of three months of not even really dating, just “talking.” We rush in relationships without evaluating who someone is, going off the wave of “everyone is doing it,” and we don’t want to be left out, alone.
During one of my therapy sessions, my therapist who I will call Miss C, asked
“What are our core values when it comes to a man?”
I didn’t have an answer. I always thought that having a list of what I want in a man will stop me or limit me from a pool of what happiness could be for me. But she told me that list were helpful, that I can’t figure out what I want without actually sitting down and thinking about what’s important to me. So it got me thinking, what are the things I value most? And not just in a relationship but in life as well since the goal is a "forever to the end,” what does my forever look like?
I want a man who puts God first. He has be respectful, trustworthy have a sense of humor and capable of consist communicate. He has to want more for himself no matter his chosen career/education path.
-Jermeka J
So before we come up with our list, we have to think of our core values, and these are your beliefs. Figure out what that is for you and what needs to be in the relationship. For some it could be religious beliefs while others have family as their top priority. What are the things you need your partner to value?
Write down the qualities that are most important to you in a partner and in life. For example:
• Truthfulness
• Courtesy
• Compassion
• Helpfulness
• Patience
• Responsibility
Look at your past relationships. Every time I start a new one and that one ends, I learn something new about myself and what I need to be looking for. After every relationship I find myself saying, “Okay, next guy I date, I am going to ask him about this,” or “I am going to make sure this is something that we both have an interest in.” Use what work and didn’t work in your past relationship and cater it towards your list.
I would like them to show that they care and really take the time to get to know me on a deeper level. It’s important to be able to express ourselves and communicate in a constructive way.
-Jakalah
From here, you can add in the extra things that you would like just within the relationship. Like you want someone who chooses to stay in and watch movies instead of going out. Or someone who has street smarts over book smarts. Whatever those finishing touches to spruce up your ideal partner may be, add them. Butttttttt try to stay away from those superficial characteristics, that’s really based on looks. Tall, dark, and handsome will still get you a fuck boy. Learn from it. That “ugly” guy just may be the man you’re looking for. But you won’t know that until you keep physical appearance off your list.
Write down what is most important to you to have in your interactions as a couple. For example:
• Similar likes and hobbies
• Ability to work work well together (planning, cooking, finances)
• Ability to handle stress and hard times
• Social scene interactions
• Similar religion
“Let the list be a guideline for your dating life. It’s okay to stray off the list and make an exception for certain traits. But always double back at your core list and make sure it isn’t interfering with that in a huge way.”
- Miss C
And vice versa, don’t throw away your list and ignore it when someone doesn’t check any of your things off, but they’re cute and you want them. It can’t work like that. You have to know your deal breakers and I can’t stress that enough. I feel we always find our selves in shitty ass situation-ships because we excuse the behavior that people sometimes can have. Don’t do that. Like at all. Find out what your deal breakers are.
Characteristics: positive vibes and good energy. Easy going and can hold great conversation. Has to be a great listener. Motivated and has a plan. They have to be the same religion. I don’t fold on that lbs. Familyy oriented is definitely a plus because i love my family. Physical: idk i don’t really have a type. But personal hygiene must be on point! I don’t think i have an ideal celebrity partner. Of course drake or Megan thee stallion but that’s just cause they fine.
-Alicia M.
Deal breakers. What are you absolutely unwilling to have in a partner? This is the most important one here!!!
• Infidelity
• Lying
• Abusive behavior
• Heavy drinking and illegal drug use
• Violent temper
You know what those are for you, so don’t ignore those big bright red flags. And let me say this, someone not making the right amount of money should NOT be one of those deal breakers. What I feel the reason why most people think list are useful is because they don’t be open minded. Don’t be too picky and not willing to compromise, but also don’t settle. You have to find a good balance for what’s reasonable for you. If you meet a man and he hits all of your core values, yet he is an abuser, liar, and a cheater, all deal breakers, let him go sis. It ain’t worth it. But finding a man who checks off everything plus more and he just ain’t hitting that one minor detail, get over it! Ain’t nobody perfect, you’re not perfect. But you are worth it and so is that man you are over looking for.
At the end of it all, the dating list should be looked at as nothing more but a helpful, personal tool to help you find the person that works best for you. I hope you all, boo’d up or single, have a loving, and cherished Valentine’s Day.